Coupla Things
by Peter Zelchenko February 19, 2010

#1: Inman & Ira

Follow-up: We sat down Tuesday to interview Ira Rogers of the old Hyde Park duo Inman & Ira, one of the only black acts at the very first University of Chicago Folk Festival 50 years ago this month, as we related in last week's Party Line. Laroy Inman has left us, but Ira is alive and well. He's even in the phone book. He sent us home with this worn but beautiful promo proofsheet; Ira's the one in the back. (See their Facebook Fan Page.)

#2: WWJD?

Occasionally, we feel the need to justify the special disclaimer created for us by Gapers Block management at the bottom of our column. (Note that no other GB staff has any such boilerplate.)

And so, today, we visit the problem of Jesuit priests in Germany who, following the lovely example of their brethren here in the U.S., were stung by recent allegations of sexual dysfunction.

Our claim to authority in this is our odd connection to Vicar Anthony Vader, retired Jesuit priest -- who in 2005, not long after unwisely approving our doomed marriage, was removed from service with 10 other area priests after allegations were made of sexual abuse. (Not of us, of others. He only acted weird to us and approved our marriage. Not violent acts.) Vader returned to the limelight last May when two 58-year-old women sued him, alleging he had molested them as children.

Now, we ask these priests, and any other men of the cloth worldwide, why they feel they must do these terrible acts. Especially when there are alternatives. And so, in the spirit of the principles of the Society of Jesus -- which admonish its adherents to emulate Jesus' life in all things -- we solemnly ask,

Who Would Jesus Do?

Bear with us for just these few moments. Then we'll be more or less normal again.

Now, Mary Magdalene was supposed to have been a prostitute, but we don't know for sure whether Jesus was intimate with her. But sex for sale is just wrong. So, we don't recommend this.

We do know for certain that Jesus slept with animals on at least one occasion. When he was underage. Talk about robbing the cradle.

All right, that one's just a bad, tasteless joke. What else? We have no idea whether Jesus masturbated. But consider two things: More than anything, Jesus taught us to interpret scripture more carefully, and so I'm sure he could forcefully argue with his dad in favor of onanism if he so chose. (Hey, he's the son of God; don't you think he could outwit this lightweight, for example?) Additionally, it seems that Jesus may have had no other outlet for sexual tension.

And so that is what we would recommend to members of the Society of Jesus. Avoid sleeping with prostitutes or animals. If personal faith and power fail you, Go Know Thyself. We'll forgive you.


Oookay, we're done. Whew.

(Trivia: Vader's license plate is DARTH something. He's such a kidder.)

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